Friday, March 25, 2011

it's time to change...

Last night was one of the scariest nights I have every had. I was almost asleep when I woke up suddenly from the feeling of gasping for air. It felt like my heart had just literally skipped a beat and let me gasping. I have never had anything like that happen before. I started to panic and my hands started shaking because for the first time in a very long while I really thought that I wasn't going to make it. I felt my pulse and kept my fingers there for a long time, making sure that I could still feel it. It gave me comfort knowing that my heart was beating fine. The more I focused on my breathe the more nervous I got, which thus made me shake even more. I sat up in bed, thinking that I couldn't let myself fall back to sleep because I was so afraid I wouldn't wake up in the morning. As I sat there, I started thinking about the reality of dying from this disease. I thought about how my mom would react and what she would do and then I thought about who would tell Ben and what he would do. I tend to think about how much better things would be if only I wasn't here anymore like when things go wrong or when the pain of my emotions is too overwhelming, but I fail to realize just how devastated the people in my life would be if I left them so early.  I always told myself that nobody would miss me and nobody would care, when in reality everyone would care. For the first time in so long, I prayed to God that he would keep me alive through the night, promising that I would do better. I sat there and prayed until I had nothing else to say. I just hoped whoever was listening to me would help me and let me live, because in that moment I realized just how much I wanted to be alive and how much I wanted those things I've dreamed about. It was a scary night but somebody loves me because I woke up this morning alive and well ready to make changes.

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