WIAW #4: Having Trouble

Oh Wednesday...you are here again! It's such a shame that every time I sit down to write I forget everything that I was thinking about (I was just in the shower running over VERY good topics for this post). Anyways, I'll try to keep it interesting, although I am going to try to get some things off my chest that have been bugging me for the past couple of days...

Lately, I've been having an overly "fat" feeling week, that is, ED keeps telling me I'm gaining weight and that I am SO huge now...O.M.G. come on you idiot! I hate feeling this way, to say the least, mainly because it stunts my progress and then I feel guilty for that, along with everything else I tend to feel bad about on a daily basis...it's so freakin' overwhelming! When will it just STOP?

I keep telling myself that the "fat" feeling is just due to my period or that I must be gaining muscle (which is encouraged!) or some other excuse in ED's eyes, but I guess it's the only thing I can do, that and to keep pushing forward. But my tendency, when I feel gross and like I'm swelling up like a balloon, is to exercise more and eat less and somehow (with all my semi-existent strength) I have to find a way to shout at ED and do the things I know I should do (a.k.a NOT easy!!). I usually find myself analyzing my body in the mirror (most likely my stomach) trying to see if it has grown overnight or if my abs are still visable and most of the time this cures the ED voice, that is, if he doesn't see fault with anything (which is rare). I then pinch the non-existent fat on my belly to make sure it's the same as two seconds ago...writing this, I am realizing how dumb I must look. Blah.

The other thing that I do in order to make ED happy or to prove him wrong is search the internet for people feeling the same way I do or something to reassure me (or ED) that I'm still small and that I'm still good enough. This really makes NO sense at all, I know. It's things like this that really put a damper on recovery...it's like, I know I have to gain weight and I WANT to but I can't seem to take the "going through" it stage...just let me wake up and be healthy and strong all ready, I mean how nice would that be?!! I wish I didn't have to experience the discomfort and all that goes along with gaining weight back but life sucks sometimes right?

I have been truly focusing on weight lifting for the past couple of months now and this has been a HUGE help and motivator in my recovery. I have upped my calories to fuel my workouts and to help build muscle and I LOVE it! It makes me feel strong and capable. But lately, like I said before, my mood is down and I'm getting stuck in ED land with him telling me that I've gaining all fat and no muscle, which is probably the opposite figuring the scale said I lost weight (but then again, scales lie so who knows...) God, this is all so confusing, I'm making my own head spin.

Although I've been feeling this way, I have been able to push myself to eat and I'm proud of myself for that and also for some of the foods and risks I've been having...let's take a look shall we?

Thanks to Jenn over at Peas and Crayons!

I should warn you, I have a TON of photos this week! Prepare for lots of FOOD...

St. Patrick's Day wouldn't be the same without some hockey and booze so I broke down and had...O.M.G...THREE drinks! ahhh I thought I was going to die and ED surely made it known that I would gain massive amounts of weight overnight...haha oh ED, you so silly! Anyways, this is what I had:

White Russian (one shot kaluha, one shot
vodka, ice, and milk)

Smirnoff Grape

Then on Monday I tried another pizza...I found a coupon online for Newman's so I couldn't resist...Let's just say it was lip-smacking good!

White cheese and feta Pizza

I wrote about this bread in my last post and loved it...I liked the bagels a tad bit more so I've been nomming on these as a snack, but it's challenging because they're high in calories (insert ED voice on high), but I got over it and loved every bite!

P28 High Protein Bread

I'm semi embarrassed that I've gone through this...AMAZING peanut butter in less than a week and then went out and bought more immediately! It's like tasting heaven in a jar and I refuse to have any other kind. Yeah, it's that good!

White Chocolate Wonderful

I am in the process of giving up this wonderful, tasty, and also very addicting stuff:

Mint Chocolate Chip Gum

It's only been a couple of days but it's harder than I thought...I would go through probably a pack a day without thinking about it! WOW, okay that's horrible. I don't just need to break this addiction because of the artificial sweeteners (a.ka. aspartame) but also because it gives me headaches and stomach discomfort...so if that's not enough, I don't know what is. I'll definitely keep you updated on my progress!

Monday afternoon the power went and as you could imagine I was COMPLETELY lost without my beloved internet, so what did I do you may ask? Well, I got creative in the kitchen obviously. No stove? No problem thanks to this book!

And what I made? These yummy spirulina balls!!

Crushed walnuts and pecans, bee pollen,
chocolate powder, spirulina powder,
and some honey or maple syrup!

MOVING ON! Here is what I ate on Wednesday (really Tuesday)...

Breakfast: 

Strawberry oats, strawberry yogurt, bee pollen,
chia seeds, and carob chips

This is the way I eat my peanut butter!

Post Workout Snack:

I got some samples from SunWarrior to try!
I put it in my bullet with half a frozen banana,
1/2 cup coconut milk and water!

Lunch:

P28 Bagel with avocado and cottage cheese,
orange and peanut butter

Snack:

In case you don't know what a hard boiled
egg looks like I stole this from google

Dinner: 

Sweet potato fries with ketchup

Salad with tabbouleh, cottage cheese,
and carrots

No, my steak didn't look like this
(mine wasn't very pretty so I stole
this from google)

Snack:

One of these babies and some carob chips!

I hope you all had a spectacular day! What have you been eating/doing/etc??

<3Tay