.waiw number eight and growing up.

I have absolutely no clue how to start this post....HI?!

I guess I'll just put a bunch of photos up and go from there okay? Good. Yay. 

Marlin, sitting shotgun on our run to the store Tuesday. He's such a good companion (although he looks semi-mad in this picture) hmmm. 

 I thought my mom was coming home on Monday from NH, but her car was having issues so she had to stay 'til Tuesday. I had stupidly left my wallet in her car so I couldn't get to the store earlier (I was having Chobani withdraws). But we were finally able to go when she got home. During our store excursion I found this stuff...what? GROUND BISON!!?? Yeps you heard that right. I had spotted it before but this time actually bought it. 

 When I got home, I immediately tried to find out what to do with it, but I wasn't too successful as I just made regular burgers...oh wells, it's still cool. 

 I just used salt and pepper to season the bison...boring, I know. 

I used my hands to mix everything together.

 Then I split it into four patties...

...and individually packed them in freezer bags so I could cook them when I wanted them! It was fun to make something for once (I usually just throw something together two seconds before dinner, which sometimes isn't great). 

Thanks to Jenn for putting this together every week!!

 

This weekend, because I was out of my beloved Chobani's, I had to force myself to try something new. So I looked around at other blogs and found Katthleen's Chia Pudding. I put it together on Sunday night in order to have it Monday morning and it was perfect! I absolutely LOVED it and I didn't even miss my yogurt!

 My new favorite snack is for sure this wonderful, amazing cottage cheese, protein and blueberries mixture I came up with. I sweetened it with some stevia and it was TO DIE FOR! 

 I finally tried this Blueberry LaraBar with my lunch. It was pretty good, but I'm not really a "bar person" so it wasn't like knock-your-socks-off or anything. I forgot to snap a picture of my awesome salad but basically it was spinach, tobouli, tuna, hummus, guacamole, and feta cheese with a little bit of soy sauce. SO good. 

 Oh you know, what is a post without a photo of me right?!! Just hanging out. 

For dinner I cooked up some Alfresco sausage that was so kindly sent to me for FREE. I topped it on my signature salad mess. I'm pretty sure there was spinach, cottage cheese, toubouli, and feta in there. I also had a sweet potato with coconut manna spread (un pictured), which was DE-LISH! 

 This is by far the best sausage I have ever had. It's a chicken sausage which is cool, not that I don't like red meat or anything :p Anyhoo, Alfresco has many different kinds but the one I tried was Chipotle Chorizo. I had never had this kind and it is definitely a new favorite! 

Marlin's dinner consisted of wonderful salmon and veggie dog food with a glucosamine pill (for his hips). It took him all but like five seconds to scarf it down. Haha silly dog. 

 My night snack was one of these BoBo's Oat Bars...I tired the coconut one. Super good. I'm not sure why they call them bars though, as it tasted more like a muffin, which I'm not complaining about at all. My mom had their lemon poppy seed one the other day and LOVED it. She's addicted. 

 I also had this...it's banana and blueberries mixed with milk and chia seeds thrown on top. If you have never experienced milk with frozen blueberries, you are missing out on some awesome goodness. It's like the milk sticks to the berries and freezes. So good. 

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On a more serious note, after reading Tessa's post on Monday it got me thinking about what some of my underlying issues are to this illness. I never liked to admit them to myself but I know that not wanting to grow up is the main one. 

If you have read the "my story" page you know that in sixth grade my body started changing and I unconsciously thought that by restricting calories and thus controlling how my body looked, it would prevent me from having to move on and grow up. Obviously this didn't work because I still grew up and got older, with the only exception being that my body wasn't growing. 

In a recent book I learned that in clinical studies, one's emotional development is halted at the time an eating disorder takes control over them. For me this was twelve, meaning that even though I was getting older, age wise, I still felt like I was twelve. 

I still feel this way now. I don't feel like I'm a nineteen year old women, but rather a twelve year old child. I think this fear of growing up stems from not wanting to accept both the responsibilities that go along with being older, but also the fact that my body is going to change. 

In sixth grade I feared looking like a "women" and thus stopped this process, and yet seven years later I am still doing the same thing. 

Lately, I've been stuck in this continuing battle between finally wanting to truly experience a "womanly" frame and just wanting to stay where I am. I know which one I should pick, and most days I am very content with this new feeling of being a women, yet other days I still go back to being that terrified little girl in the sixth grade. 

It's a confusing concept and sometimes I don't even know what's going on but I know I want to face this fear and each day I can make the decisions to do so (even if Ed intervenes). 

I refuse to let Ed continue to take things from my life. I'm done letting him control me. He has nothing good to offer. Never did, never will. 

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So beautiful. 

 I am at my Dad's for a bit in NH which is AWESOME. When I saw the mountains I was so very happy!! I am a true mountain girl at heart that is for sure! The Cafe decided to close for two weeks, so I am free for a bit! What does this mean?...HIKING of course! I can't wait :)

Oh how I have missed you beautiful mountains.

Hope you're all having a great week, loves! 

...and just some inspiration for the rest of the week...

<3