Where's My Focus?

This was a conversation I had with Ben the other night that went a little something like this:

Me: "I figured out what my new goal is."

Ben: "Yeah?"

Me: "I wanna start eating really clean and lean up a bit."

Ben: ~just smiles~

Me: "What?"

Ben: "You can't afford to lean up Babe and you already eat as healthy as possible."

Me: "I wanna have better things, cut out sugar and stuff."

Ben: "What do you eat everyday? You never eat sugar."

Insert me thinking...

Ben: "What do you have for breakfast?"

Me: "Yogurt with things added in, lunch is usually a salad with tuna and nuts, snacks are granola bars and fruit, dinner is usually squash and sausage."

Ben: "And what did you want to cut out?"

Me: "Well, I use ketchup on my squash which has sugar in it. And...uh...I don't know, I eat too much peanut butter sometimes."

Ben: ~Laughter~

Me: "I tend to focus on the little things I eat that aren't as good instead of seeing that in reality everything I eat is like super healthy haha."

Ben: "Yeah I'm the opposite, like I'm proud of eating an orange today. That was my healthy food."

Me: ~laughs~

As you can see I have some issues. When I look back on my week, all I can think about is the chocolate chips I ate one night, and the little amount of sugar that's in the ketchup I use on my squash and maybe the extra tablespoons of peanut butter I ate as a snack. Why can't I be normal and just be able to see that I'm eating so freakin' healthy!? I don't get it.

I have been having some major body image issues lately...like every day to be exact. I can't seem to ever feel good about my body, no matter what. I lose weight and feel like shit and then I get strong and still feel like shit. Something's gotta give.

I hate the feeling of feeling fat. It's so annoying day in and day out. I just wish I could be happy with my body but all I focus on is how my arms look too big from the side and how I look "puffy" and how my stomach never seems flat anymore because I'm always bloated shitless. God, I hate this.

Some days I can block Ed out and be positive, but it seems lately, it's super hard and it takes a lot of mental strength to not listen to Ed.

It's hard because I log onto facebook and read blogs and all I see are photos of fitness guru's who have bodies like rocks and yet I can't see myself like that because I have a warped image of myself. I am really strong and lean but I can only see it on really good days.

I love the good days because I feel so proud of myself. My goal was to get stronger, and here I am, lifting heavy, pushing myself to add more weight and squatting more than I weigh without any problem. I have grown so much and have more confidence. But it's the days that aren't great that get me. I block every good thing out and can only see the flaws, where I want to be, what I want to have.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that changes don't happen overnight. I really have only been lifting heavy for about six months at the max. I mean come on, that's not enough time to see real progress. I must be more patient.

Anyhoo, I want to find a trainer/nutrition coach who can help me meet my goals, whatever they may be. I think I might seek out One Fit Foodie because I think she's great!

I'll keep you updated. In the meantime, I just have to continue to eat what I eat and lift heavy. It's as simple as that.