For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear


these lyrics from the eli young band sum up some of my tough days...i'm always running but i'm still here.

got to syracuse after a very long and boring bus ride yesterday...met ben at the bus station and as soon as i saw him i ran into his arms...i was so happy to see him! today, i am working on accepting that this whole week will be a relax and lazy week for me. you can imagine how hard this is going to be for me but i need to do it and be happy doing it. it's important to me that i am happy while i'm here and i think part of doing that is realizing that not walking or working out as much as i usually do is fine and that i'm not going to die. ben makes me so happy and if i can just try to focus on this then i think i will be fine. <3

i won't go into all  the details but last night i had something happen that pissed of ed like no other and i say ed instead of me because i don't think i was mad at all...the situation was something that ed had rules about and everything was going against them and he didn't like it. at first i just thought i was the one who was upset and i couldn't figure out why and then i took a second to think and it donned on me that ed was so angry that he was trying to make me so angry and thus ruin everything for me. i'm not sure this is making much sense but last night i realized something huge and i am proud of myself for that. i realized that i don't have to listen to ed. i have a choice to go along with his rules or not and i don't want to anymore...he's been controlling me for way too long and it's time he stops. so fuck you ed. fuck you.

feeling the effects of the lack of sleep...feeling very slow? or low? not sure how to describe it...just feel like NOT MOVING. my body aches from head to toe...i'm pretty sure every muscle hurts in some way or another..not sure why though. hmm. i'll probably try to relax and take a shower and maybe draw...i'm due to make some form of art as i haven't in many days...

alright so i'm still up and it's what? 4:41 in the morning...it's been a real tester though...food wise that is. i keep getting really hungry, to the point of throwing up so i have to force myself to eat something...i have to keep fighting ed non stop with this as he believes i shouldn't eat anything but then i'm like hey, this is the first (and probably last time) i will ever stay up all friggin night so why not live a little and just have healthy snacks and stop worrying weather i'm going to gain weight or not! i mean, seriously, i'm not going to just gain 10 pounds overnight...that's ridiculous!! so fuck it!

it seems that i am the most motivated at night...i always resolve that i will do better in the morning and then everything hits me and i fail...but i have to remember that i'm not failing, just learning and i think each day gets better and hey, at least i am motivated right? i'm getting there and that's what counts.

i am very proud of myself for the last couple of days. let's start with two days ago, i walked right into a cafe in my town and dropped off my job application without backing out like i usually would do,and then yesterday my mom and i went thrift shopping around 1pm and didn't get back until  5pm, normally this would be an issue for me because i like to walk twice a day and preferably in the light, but to my amazement i stayed calm and continued to have a fun time with my mom and we went for a wonderful walk in the dark when we got back. and then today, i went in to that same cafe for a job interview and didn't feel too nervous...i felt happy and hopefully they thought so too! so, it's either the acupuncture or the seredyn or both but something is working and making me less anxious and irritable!! all is good.

my mom told me tonight before she headed out for work that i looked better (face wise)...looked better in the way of healthier and less pale...i guess a couple of weeks ago i had no color to my face whatsoever...

i had acupuncture last night...it was fine except for the fact that i had to lay on the table in just my bra because i had the needles put in my back...i wasn't expecting this at all. all i could hear was ed's voice saying how gross i must look because today i had a bad stomach bloating day and it hadn't gone away before i had my appointment. i kept talking back to him, with words along the line of "just fuck off" and "who the hell cares"...it worked a bit.

the next chapter in jenni's book talks about "ed's rules" so i decided to start with her examples that she gives and then add some of my own (or should i say ed's?) remember though, these are LIES.

1. i must always be the smallest/thinnest person in the room.
2. i must always eat less than everyone else i am dinning with.
3. my stomach must be flat on all days.
4. i must be able to feel all my bones (ribs, hips, pelvis, collarbone, shines, etc)
5. there must be no cellulite. ever.
6. when i lay down on my back, my stomach must sink deep inward.
7. i must feel only muscle, no fat.
8. pants must be loose at the waist.
9. i must always get more exercise than the people around me

i'm sure there are so many other ones that i am failing to think of but as they come up i will add them to the list. i am not writing this list so that i can obtain to these rules, i am writing it so that i can distinguish them and realize that they are LIES and that ed is hurting me. i am also writing them down so that when one of them comes up at  any point, i can recognize it and disobey it. 

"Direction is important, not destination."

i need to be reminded constantly of this. i seem to always need to know the destination of my direction when in reality,all i need to do is just head in the right direction (for me) and everything will work itself out and i will end up exactly where i need to be.

started reading "life without ed" by jenni schaefer and i love it so far.

some things from it struck me deep and i had to write them down. i adapted them for my situation.

Ed's Lies: LIES
1) if i just keep my weight low enough i can be in complete control of my life.(of course the complete opposite is true!)
2) if i am small enough i can be everything that everyone wants. (again, the opposite is true)
3) if i do not take up space then i won't get in anyone's way. (ed is taking up everyone's space!)
4) everyone will like me. (i am boring now)
5) ed makes me special and without him i am nothing. (i am so much more without him!)
6) ed will make me perfect. (i will never be perfect and that is just fine!)

jenni talks a lot about the ultimate goal when fighting against ed:

DISAGREE WITH AND DISOBEY ED.

so i came up with some small daily goals in order to achieve this bigger goal:

1) focus on separating ed's voice from my heart voice.
2) write down conversations with ed when they come up and are hard to deal with.

these seem like reasonable things i can focus on throughout each day. :)

yesterday was semi rough...i headed to my friends house and we had a really fun day just hanging out and making cupcakes but i was going nuts because i didn't get my walks in and my workout...i was feeling pretty gross and lousy but i had to keep reminding myself that it wasn't forever and that i wasn't going to die...today has been better, probably because we took a walk this morning out on the board walk near her house and we walked through main street which was fun and then, of course i came back home which always makes me feel better. this week end just made it even more clear to me how much i need to recover...

while i was working one of the nurses on the unit looked at me and said "you need to eat more ice cream!" i just smiled and laughed, going along with it...what was i supposed to say? i felt oddly self-conscious for the rest of the day...was everyone thinking this about me? could they see though my facade the real me and all my problems?...

worked the last two days..cleaning. not fun at all but whatever. had a rough day yesterday..really didn't want to be there...i get my work done and then i have nothing to do. i just wanted to be home, doing whatever i wanted...when i got home my mom and i talked a lot about my life and how i would ever get through it with my work issues and soon...i got really up set and scared and hopeless but then i had to remember that it's okay, everything will work out and i will be fine. work to day didn't go as bad..i still got bored but i tried to make the best of it and i got through it. paycheck.paycheck. paycheck. that is what ran through my head when things got rough...

just got back from my first acupuncture experience and it was...interesting to say the least. i really couldn't grasp what he was talking about half the time, a bunch of Chinese words and wisdom but i found it all really helpful and interesting. when he finally did the treatment it was weird and not at all what i thought it would be. even though the needles were tiny tiny tiny they still hurt (yeah i'm a baby). it was like a small prick and then a really weird feeling for the whole time. i had one in each leg, each ankle, each arm and one on the top of my head. i could feel the ones on my left side more than the right side which he said was common. hopefully this will help me as i am open to it so we'll see!! i go back next week, but until then, he gave me some tips. the first, eating something hot for breakfast (which will be very hard for me since i'm not ready to give up my favorite yogurt), and he said to practice mindfulness, which i have tried before but he explained it in a more simple way so i'll give it a second chance! yay:)

my new resolution (late but still applies): to get dressed somewhat nicely before going out of the house. i did this  the past two days, even wearing a dress and it was amazing the difference it makes in my confidence. it's amazing what just some nice clothes can do. i usually just say 'fuck it' and wear my infamous yoga pants and over-sized long sleeve shirts, but not anymore. i have vowed to wear at least something decent (jeans, leggings, dresses, nice shirts, etc). let's see how this goes.

so i haven't been feeling so hot the last couple of days and i can't really pin point the cause. i'm thinking it's the Seredyn that i started taking but not sure. it said that stomach upset was a side effect...but then again i seem to always have stomach problems...but this is so much worse than my regular issues. i constantly feel bloated and at night i feel like i could literally puke. it's frustrating.

i had to force myself to have more to eat today because i know i didn't have enough. it's hard. i feel really gross but i have to keep reminding myself that it's okay and that i need it. i need to nourish my body or i won't have kids or a future or anything.

last night i was so tempted to count my daily calories but i stopped myself from giving in. i can't. it would ruin my plan and progress. i have been doing good not counting for the last four days. i can't say it feels great but it feels freeing in some ways. i mean, it's hard to fight ed but i know i'm doing the right thing. i know that if i start counting (even for one day) i'll lose everything and won't move on. it's been especially difficult today because it has been pouring all day which means i haven't been outside for my daily walks. i'm going nuts but i can hear the faint voice of my heart saying that it's okay and that today is just a good day to stay inside and relax...i will try to listen to that voice over eds even though his is so much louder. i can do this. 

babies. babies. babies. future. future. future. freedom. freedom. freedom. stay strong. must stay strong.

i wish my bones didn't hurt. i wish i could sleep at night. i wish i wasn't so worried all the time. i wish i could be free.

i had a reality check this weekend and i need to change or else i'll probably end up back in the hospital or some treatment center. i don't want to be this way anymore. i don't want to live like this anymore. i want to be free. i want to have kids when the time is right and if i don't change soon, my future may be dim. so i'm making small changes...starting small is always a good idea. the hardest part is obviously fighting ed's voice and being true to my heart voice. i see ed as a grey evil thing inside me that takes away everything from me. he takes my freedom and my relationships and my self-love. every time i feel his pull i need to picture myself strangling him til he dies. i want ed to die. not me. 

i have decided that today and the next three days are "me" days...that is, i'm going to do anything i want and relax and try not to rush..i'm going to watch movies, maybe take a bubble bath and do whatever i feel like doing (even if it involves nothing! haha) oh yeah and i'm going to be happy too!!

just had a slap-in-the-face moment. my friend is in the hospital for anorexia and shes been there for seven weeks and now she just found out that they're transferring her to another bigger hospital in two weeks and she'll be there for who knows how long...i got a kind of wake up call because if i keep going down the road i am on, i'll probably end up in the hospital again and what kind of life is that? i mean, i'm almost twenty and i want to do things with my life like have kids and open my own business, not sit in a hospital for anorexia you know? i don't know...

very proud of myself today because even though i was sad this morning, i told myself that i didn't want to feel that way so i put on some nickelback music and got lost in the beat and then i was feeling better...

i'm feeling a bit sad because my mom just told me she was leaving tonight which would thus make her be gone for three and a half days...i don't want to be alone for that long, i don't know how i will do (sadness wise). i mean obviously if ben was here i wouldn't care but it helps to have someone else around to get my mind off missing him so much but when i'm alone...i don't know, i have a feeling it's going to be a long three days.

i have to be careful when playing music..i can only play high beat, happy songs unless i will get sad and start missing ben even more.

my fingers shrunk, i know because my rings are falling off...

lately i've been having fun searching the web for cupcake photos and recipes, but i sometimes get this weird sensation that by just looking at the cupcakes i am getting fatter and fatter. obviously this is not true but you know ed makes you think stupid things that don't make sense.

as soon as i came home my mom started picking on me saying how my eyes looked deep or something like that...i know what she means though...i look like a skeleton again. my bones are popping out everywhere and it's getting hard to hide, especially from my mom because she notices everything. i hate talking to her about it though, maybe because i know what i'm doing and i don't want to stop...or maybe it's just ed...who knows. i took a shower because i was cold and realized how bad i have gotten...i wrap my arms around myself and all i feel is ribs and shoulder blades and bonny elbows and hip bones. to some extent these things comfort me...they give me a sense of peace, but in the shower i hated them...i wanted to feel cushion for once...softness. i don't know what i'm doing. i'm killing myself again and the worst part is, is that i have no control over it...

i just go back from driving ben to syracuse...i finally made up my mind and decided not to go back with him. it was hard saying goodbye though. i tried to make it quick and painless. i didn't want him to see me cry so i held it in until probably two seconds after he turned to walk away. i drove off bawling. in order to counteract the sadness i turned the radio on high and blasted nickleback songs for about an hour. it helped. now that i'm home, i'm wishing i was still in his arms, but what i'm really wishing is that he is here with me instead. i feel incredibly weak that i can't even go a minute without him...i'm sad.

for so long i thought that keeping busy would help me to not think about things as much and not miss ben so much but i'm starting to realize that maybe it doesn't really matter if i'm busy or not...i mean if i'm sad, i'm sad no matter what i'm doing so fuck it...

the last couple of days have been so up and down and all over the place...one second i'm on cloud nine, all sure about what i want and positive but then the next i'm so down in the dumps and hopeless about everything...i don't know what to do. i worked two days at my new job and absolutely hated it which makes me feel like a failure (i mean when don't i feel like this?). i keep thinking about what i want to do with my life and i get really excited when i think about the dream cupcake shop and making art and stuff but get depressed when i grasp the reality of actually doing that and then thinking about how my life will be if i just get a real job. i hate thinking that life is about getting up every day and going to a job that makes you miserable...i mean there's got to be more to life than that right? but opening my own business is really far fetched and entails money...and in case you didn't already know...i don't have that! this also has me thinking about the wedding ben and i are planning for 2013 but i'm really starting to question where we're going to get the money from which makes me think that maybe we'll need to hold off for a bit and that makes me depressed...anyways, right now i feel a mixture of emotions but i guess mostly sad and kinda down. ben leaves this weekend sometime to go back to school and although i've been trying my best not to think about it, it's hitting me hard tonight. i'm trying to remind myself that it's only three months or so and in the big scheme of things it's not that long compared to the rest of our lives together right? it still hurts to know that i won't be able to laugh with him and kiss his forehead and lean on him when i'm down...at least it makes me appreciate everything he does for me and everything he means to me...

this may sound kind of sad but my proudest thing i did today (besides getting a job!) was that i made two different kinds of cupcakes with two different buttercreams and i didn't even have a little! i love making the cupcakes and making them looking pretty but i don't like eating them obviously.

i'm in capable of making a new year's resolution for the simple fact that i have too many and they're all too big and broad:

1. be more patient with myself and others.
2. love myself more.
3. stop being so jealous of others. 
4. stop comparing myself to others. 
5. be more nice. 

i mean these actually can't really count for resolutions because it's basically just a list of things i wish i could do, not really goals...well, i guess they're like lifetime goals haha. i think it's kinda weird too though that every one makes such a big deal about new year resolutions anyhow because in reality, you don't need a new year to be able to make changes...you have every second of every day to start again and make resolutions and goals. 

any who, i do have one, okay maybe two things i could work on that aren't so difficult:

1. make a list of positive things, or things that made me smile at the end of every day.
2. take time to do The Work of Byron Katie every day, at least one belief or issue.  

alright so let's get to it!

it's funny how some people change and others don't. i mean everybody changes here and there but no body ever changes drastically, they're still always themselves. i thought i changed, became stronger and more "better" (not quite sure what that's supposed to mean but oh well) but long story short, i really haven't changed that much. i'm still the weak, girl-with-no-backbone i used to be.

does hanging out with friends always revolve around food now? i mean really? can we not find something else to do other than go out and eat or drink? i hope so or i will never have friends...

i still have a hard time saying certain things to people, even ben and mom...it's not just people i am uncomfortable or nervous around but even the ones i am closest with...hmm.

i wish i had the strength to just do it. just run the car off the road or overdose or something. just something to take away all this pain.

it's funny because when was watching a movie tonight with my mom there was an actress who looked like she was all just skin and bones...kinda how i look...but i didn't think she looked good at all. she looked sick to me and not attractive at all. it's weird to see someone and think this but when i look at myself, i like what i see and i feel good but i know it doesn't look healthy to everybody else...it's hard to explain i guess.

the last couple days since i've been home i've been constantly fighting with my mom about food and stuff. she keeps saying how i'm not eating enough and how she thinks i'm so irritable compared to how i was before...it kinda makes me feel bad...

i just have a hard time feeling at home here...i mean it's great and all but it's nothing like being at home with mom and marlin and kezo just walking and having a good time you know?

i always have a way of ruining everything. it's what i'm best at. i just wish that mom didn't have to work and that i could spend christmas with her. it doesn't even feel like christmas. i'm not even sure what to write because i'm pretty sad and upset. i just wanna go home to my mom.

today has been a struggle. ate way too much but trying not to let it ruin everything. i mean what can really happen if i went over my calories limit by 300? ed's trying to get me to believe that i will automatically become huge and gain huge amounts of weight overnight but we all know that's a bunch of crock. there's no way that could happen. our bodies don't work like that. i know that i don't usually eat like i did today so i'm fine. nothing i can do about it now anyways so i mine as well move on and let go. start fresh tomorrow right? right.

99 lbs. um. shit.

just weighed myself and the magic number is....102. i lost more than i thought i did...and i'm lower than the weight they said they would take me back in at klarman....i still feel gross some days and wonder how this is possible but as always, losing weight doesn't mean you lose your problems too.

my mom was saying this morning how she thinks i need to finally take some kind of medication for my anxiety and depression and i did agree with her until i read the side effects of common ones...weight gain! my ED brain immediately went into panic mode and then (regretfully) i decided to look up what people were saying about it and read all this stuff about how everybody had gained like fifteen to twenty pounds after so many months and now there is no way i will even consider it because there's no way in hell that i want to experience the weight gain of twenty pounds again...been there, done that. bad idea.

one of the worst things that screws me over is that i love having plans. this looks like a good trait on the surface and it can be for the times you need to plan details and so on but it comes back to bite me in the big-picture-type things--otherwise known as life. i like to plan my life out the way i think i want it to be and then assume it will all be perfect. this seems good right? i mean after planning everything i feel secure and not as afraid, but when my plans don't go the right way and when things don't turn out the way i had hoped, you can imagine the devastation this brings. it happened this morning when i thought i had school all planned out and all the things i wanted to do. it all looked good on paper. get a bachelor's in business in order to be the brains behind my little bake and art cafe that i would open and then get married and have kids and live happily ever after. but all that went up in smoke this morning. i found out that i wasn't able to receive all my credits from my semester in NY and now i didn't have enough credits to apply to the school i wanted...no what? everything was ruined. my life would never amount to anything. i was hopeless as usual. trying to put it all aside, my mom and i went for a walk with the dogs and although, at first, i had no desire to talk about it, my mom did. so she talked and talked and talked. i said nothing. just listened. she had a lot of good things to say, which all made sense. by the end of the walk i was feeling better and at least somewhat hopeful. i realized that i needed to follow my heart more instead of just doing what i thought i was "supposed" to do or what others thought i should do. i needed to follow my own path, no matter how much different it was from the norm. i needed to stay true to myself accept who i was. i don't know if these realizations really help to make me feel better because they are harder than what i was doing before...it's hard to be myself when sometimes i hate that person and when other times i don't even know who i am...but i know this is my purpose. to just be me. no matter what.

went to the store with mom today to get some last minute things for chirstmas and i'm not sure if it was the mirror or what but i looked like a complete ghost and my face was so gaunt. i looked sickly. no wonder my mom was worried...

i think i have insomnia...at least for the last couple of nights anyway...i can't fall asleep for the life of me. i keep thinking about everything i could ever think about. past. future. present. things i need to get done tomorrow. for christmas. my brain is actually in pain it's over thinking way too much.

my first reaction when someone i know does something to me that a pure bitch would do is definitely to start hating on them, finding every little thing about them to despise, and when i see them, give them the cold shoulder and act like they're a complete piece of no good shit. harsh i know but i don't know why i take so much defense to little things but i do and i make sure to go to great lengths to show the person i hate them now...maybe i should change.

i'm worried that my mom is finding out that i'm not eating as much...yesterday she got mad at me for not having enough for dinner and afterwards i heard her crying downstairs. as usual i got defensive and wished she would just leave me alone, but i have to realize she's only doing that because she cares about me and wants me to be healthy. this is obviously hard to see in the moment because ed's voice to so damn loud and he blocks everything else out. sometimes i wonder if he'll ever leave me...or will i always hear his voice? can't say.

what i ate today:

• greek yogurt with raw cocao, chia seeds, and bee pollen.
• vitamin c drink with digestive aid.
• handful of grapes.
• salad with feta cheese and fat free italian dressing. 
• handful of grapes. 
• warmed pickles.
• two olives. 
• another salad.
• handful of grapes. 
• sweet potato fries without oil. 
• two chocolate chips. 
• a spoonful of cookie batter (i made holiday cookies)
• and lots of gum. 
• water. 

five ways to win my heart? hmmm...

1) show me you care about me and that you'd do anything for me.
2) be honest. enough said.
3) make me laugh so hard that i cry.
4) teach me something new that you like.
5) spend all your time with me.

five things i lust after or wish for? hmmm...

1) good clothing that i wish i could pull off.
2) beautiful hair that looks amazing.
3) having a natural looking tan.
4) knowing i have a sense of worth and letting that shine.
5) money to buy things.

okay along with my other new years resolution i have another one. it's staying within the same theme though. i want to be strong...not just lose weight and be skinny but lose weight (stay the weight i'm at now) but be muscular and strong so that means buying weights and putting together a workout routine or trying to go to the gym maybe...? i will need to write out the exact goal so that it can be something to stick to.

i have decided that my new year's resolution will be to eat only real foods as defined by http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/real-food-defined-a-k-a-the-rules/.

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been kind of annoyed with people more than normal, including ben. i feel like it's really nothing they are doing but it's just me. i think it might be the food stuff and not eating enough...and if i am noticing this myself, i'm sure in hell than mom will say something...

in kind of a funky mood tonight...it's like i'm bored yet thinking way too much and feeling hopeless all in one. took a shower and it felt good but i don't know, it's like i'm feeling too many emotions at one so in turn i don't feel anything...just blankness.......

why do i like the feel of bones...?

i wish i could put all the quotes and sayings and articles i read together into my brain and make them change me but it's always easier said than done and i know this the best because i have been trying to do this for over five years...i think it will be six years soon...wow that is a lot of fucking time...why am i wasting my life with this stupid disease? what a good question! i wish i could just let everything go but when i tried to do this i gained weight and then i hated myself more so it looks like i'll never win....sometimes i don't even know what to do anymore...

i'm trying not to think about the fact that eating a low calorie diet isn't good in the long run. i read all over the internet that it will in time make you gain weight but it's scaring me so i don't want to think about it. i just don't want to gain nay weight and the only way i know how to to that is not to eat as much...i just want to be small and thin and feel good about myself...gr.

phobias that pertain to me:

Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.

Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.

Claustrophobia- Fear of confined spaces.

Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.

Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror.

Enochlophobia- Fear of crowds.

Eremophobia- Fear of being oneself or of lonliness.

Laliophobia or Lalophobia- Fear of speaking.

Obesophobia- Fear of gaining weight.

Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

Atelophobia - Fear of imperfection

Sociophobia - Fear of social evaluation

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” from Velveteen Rabbit

i set a goal for myself earlier in the week to say yes to more things (ben suggested it). since it is approaching friday (and although this is on ongoing goal), i wanted to reflect on weather or not i have completed the goal. things that i said yes to that i may not have before:

• playing mad gab with ben and his friends
• going to dinner with ben when i really didn't want to

rescue me
show me who i am
cause i can't believe
this is how the story ends

ways i know i am going down hill:

i get leg cramps again
i am very irritable
i am scared to go over my calorie limit
i hide what i eat
i am scared to eat with others
i lie about what i have eaten
my hair is falling out
my skin is dry

i was reading my phych book for class and came across this:

In sum, depressed people see themselves as inadequate and worthless, feel that they can't cope with the demands made on them, and dread the future that, they believe, will bring more of the same.  


this basically sums up what i've been feeling for the past months....interesting

goals for over break:

1) decided whether to be in syracuse or maine
2) if in syracuse, find job opportunities and things i can that will make me happy(art, baking, etc)

Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?

this has been a retarded night...i'm pretty upset.

I feel so gross and fat and all kinds of bad at the moment, yet I know it's because I had a couple pieces of gum earlier and that makes my stomach bloat like no other. I'm trying to not let this feeling bother me.

i just want to start over...how could i have been so stupid to come here?

i should have left this misery hole when i had the chance. i just wasted some huge amount of money for nothing. fuck school. fuck the people. fuck life all together. i'm so done. i want out. now.

being back at school sucks balls. i hate being here. i hate all the people and all the weird looks. it's only two weeks more of classes though and then i'm out of here. i can't wait.

i like to stand in the middle of the road and wonder what would happen if i just let the car hit me...would i die? sometimes i like to think about what would happen if i did? who would be sad? (if anyone)....

i have been thinking a lot about recovery and what it really means to be recovered from ed. i discovered that it must mean something different for everyone because for myself, i can't define recovery. i have a hard time thinking that there is any such thing. i mean doesn't everyone have some kind of food or body issue? so saying that you've recovered and no have peace with food and your body is a lie right? i don't have much hope that i will ever be recovered or have any kind of freedom from this disease. i know this is pretty negative and i should i try to look at the positive side but i can't. all i see is me and ed, struggling forever. i mean, he sometimes is my only friend...

sometimes i'm not so sure what the point of living is...i mean what is the overall purpose of life? working? having a family? collecting money? when i really start to think about it, i question everything and hope begins to disappear. what's that point in living if all you do is get up, go to work, and then come home and sleep? i don't understand how that ever adds up to happiness or a good lived life? i mean besides making money i guess. i always thought growing up would be magnificent when i was little, i mean who doesn't? but when you get there it's like, fuck, i wanna go back to being little again, this sucks. sometimes i wonder if this is it. if my life right now is how it's always going to be...am i ever going to be better? will i ever be happy? i thought so at one point but i'm not so sure anymore...

i hate how everybody else is so much more interesting and important. i wish i could be the special one....

my eyes are fat magnets...

thanksgiving by the way was alright food wise...i didn't eat anything all day which was good and the food that i did eat was not as scary as i thought it was going to be. i had some turkey, a tiny bit of green bean casserole, some squash, and pickles. i did have some chocolate cream pie for dessert and that was it. so overall, not as horrible as i was expecting.

you know you have a problem when you start looking up jobs with the least contact with others....

terrified for thankgiving tomorrow...not sure how it will go. i don't want to eat anything...

sometimes i wonder if losing weight is the only thing i'm actually good at...

i can't tell which is more painful: laying down and feeling bones or laying down and feeling fat...

i'm falling back into ed, i know it. it's intentional kinda. i mean i want to lose weight and i it's the only way i know that works. sometimes i scared though, that i won't be able to pull myself out of his grasp again...

i like the feel of my bones....

moved into the new house in maine and i am so cold i might die. i just want to curl up in a tub full of boiling hot water.

 We need to stop looking to other people’s bodies to create standards of normalcy for ourselves.

from: http://happybodies.wordpress.com

from Byron Katie

you can't know if you are big or small by looking in the mirror because you only see your story...look in the mirror if you want to know what you are not.

Though no one else can do it for you, you have what it takes to be magnificently successful at being you. From the deepest secrets of your soul to the face you put forward to the world, every bit of you is meant to be the authentic and original person you are. — Ralph Marston

I found these writings I did a while back...

January 18, 2011

1.) what do you want that you are not having? I want freedom mostly to just be myself around everyone. I love how open and crazy I can be just around Nicole and Ben and my mom, but that's about it. I love the feeling of being comfortable around someone and not having to worry myself sick about 'oh what are they going to think?' 'what are they going to say?' and so on. I'm not sure what it is about certain people, but some have the type of personality that I can open up to and some just don't. I don't like feeling judged, but I think I think too much about what they're going to judge me on and what they're going to say that I forget that it's okay to just be me, that if people think I'm weird, or stupid, or crazy than that's fine right? I just want to feel good about myself and love who I am.

2.)What do you have to live for? When I get really depressed I think about not wanting to live anymore. It has been happening a lot more. I used to always believe, not matter what, that I had a lot to live for, but lately when I'm feeling down in the dumps I feel that I have nothing to live for. I'm not sure if it's the ED voice or just self-pity. It feels as though the feelings that I feel are so bad and painful that it would be better if I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel them. I know, however, that deep down inside, I have a lot of things to live for. First off I have my mom, who's been there from the beginning. She's always been there for me, no matter what. She's supported me and listened to me and tried to do everything and anything she could to help me. She's been my best friend since seventh grade and I don't know what I'd do without her. There is Ben, who has been my steady rock for the last year. He's everything to me. He's taught me so many things and helped me to see things that I needed to see. I have my future children to live for, something that has always made me happy to think about. I long to have kids and a family of my very own. I want to make my life the best it could ever be and I have to be alive and healthy to make that happen. 

January 15, 2011

 It snowed about 16 inches or so on Wednesday and although I got out for a walk in the morning before it got really bad, I had a really hard time the rest of the day not being able to go outside or even go to the gym.

January 4, 2011

I thought, food wise, today was a lot harder. My friend who is over eats less than I do, so I felt like I was eating all the time and I didn't feel as good about my body as I did yesterday. I must remember that feelings come and go and I don't have to believe them. This too shall pass.

It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship. - Norman Vincent Peale

i feel so hopeless right now...i feel so worthless. i am having a hard time understanding what the point of life is...why the fuck are we here? i can't figure it out...

it's not even ten yet and i already just want this day to be over....for some reason i always have to know what to do and need to have things all figured out with everything, so when i get confused and hopeless about the future i panic and feel overwhelmed because i don't know what is going to happen or what i am going to do with my life. i'm probably making this more confusing than it really needs to be but isn't that what i do with everything...?

i'm not really a fan of constantly being hungry and tired but i have to admit...i love the feeling of being thin..

every stressful thought in my head is a rope, not a snake. everything you love about another person is what you love about yourself, and everything you do not love about them is what you do not love about yourself. (byron katie)

YOU CAN NEVER LOSE LOVE, BUT ONLY THE AWARENESS OF IT.

i got semi depressed this morning because i woke up and just did not feel like going to any of my classes...i didn't feel like doing anything. somehow these feelings turned into sadness about the future and thinking about what my future job will be like, am i going to wake up and not want to go but have to and be miserable? probably. so i decided that i need to find something to do with my life that i will want to wake up and be happy about doing...probably something along the lines of an art studio, jewelry making, or a cupcake/bake shop...i can dream right?

some days i think about my life and the future and get really happy am positive but then other days (like today) i can't see anything good...i look at the future and am scared to death...

was so excited to eat my amy's cheese enchiladas for dinner but good thing i checked the serving size because it said 240 calories in just one enchilada and there are two! i am so pissed. i only was counting the calories in one so now i have to find something else...480 is way too much.