i just want to start over...how could i have been so stupid to come here?

i should have left this misery hole when i had the chance. i just wasted some huge amount of money for nothing. fuck school. fuck the people. fuck life all together. i'm so done. i want out. now.

being back at school sucks balls. i hate being here. i hate all the people and all the weird looks. it's only two weeks more of classes though and then i'm out of here. i can't wait.

i like to stand in the middle of the road and wonder what would happen if i just let the car hit me...would i die? sometimes i like to think about what would happen if i did? who would be sad? (if anyone)....

i have been thinking a lot about recovery and what it really means to be recovered from ed. i discovered that it must mean something different for everyone because for myself, i can't define recovery. i have a hard time thinking that there is any such thing. i mean doesn't everyone have some kind of food or body issue? so saying that you've recovered and no have peace with food and your body is a lie right? i don't have much hope that i will ever be recovered or have any kind of freedom from this disease. i know this is pretty negative and i should i try to look at the positive side but i can't. all i see is me and ed, struggling forever. i mean, he sometimes is my only friend...

sometimes i'm not so sure what the point of living is...i mean what is the overall purpose of life? working? having a family? collecting money? when i really start to think about it, i question everything and hope begins to disappear. what's that point in living if all you do is get up, go to work, and then come home and sleep? i don't understand how that ever adds up to happiness or a good lived life? i mean besides making money i guess. i always thought growing up would be magnificent when i was little, i mean who doesn't? but when you get there it's like, fuck, i wanna go back to being little again, this sucks. sometimes i wonder if this is it. if my life right now is how it's always going to be...am i ever going to be better? will i ever be happy? i thought so at one point but i'm not so sure anymore...

i hate how everybody else is so much more interesting and important. i wish i could be the special one....

my eyes are fat magnets...

thanksgiving by the way was alright food wise...i didn't eat anything all day which was good and the food that i did eat was not as scary as i thought it was going to be. i had some turkey, a tiny bit of green bean casserole, some squash, and pickles. i did have some chocolate cream pie for dessert and that was it. so overall, not as horrible as i was expecting.

you know you have a problem when you start looking up jobs with the least contact with others....

terrified for thankgiving tomorrow...not sure how it will go. i don't want to eat anything...

sometimes i wonder if losing weight is the only thing i'm actually good at...

i can't tell which is more painful: laying down and feeling bones or laying down and feeling fat...

i'm falling back into ed, i know it. it's intentional kinda. i mean i want to lose weight and i it's the only way i know that works. sometimes i scared though, that i won't be able to pull myself out of his grasp again...

i like the feel of my bones....

moved into the new house in maine and i am so cold i might die. i just want to curl up in a tub full of boiling hot water.

 We need to stop looking to other people’s bodies to create standards of normalcy for ourselves.

from: http://happybodies.wordpress.com

from Byron Katie

you can't know if you are big or small by looking in the mirror because you only see your story...look in the mirror if you want to know what you are not.

Though no one else can do it for you, you have what it takes to be magnificently successful at being you. From the deepest secrets of your soul to the face you put forward to the world, every bit of you is meant to be the authentic and original person you are. — Ralph Marston

I found these writings I did a while back...

January 18, 2011

1.) what do you want that you are not having? I want freedom mostly to just be myself around everyone. I love how open and crazy I can be just around Nicole and Ben and my mom, but that's about it. I love the feeling of being comfortable around someone and not having to worry myself sick about 'oh what are they going to think?' 'what are they going to say?' and so on. I'm not sure what it is about certain people, but some have the type of personality that I can open up to and some just don't. I don't like feeling judged, but I think I think too much about what they're going to judge me on and what they're going to say that I forget that it's okay to just be me, that if people think I'm weird, or stupid, or crazy than that's fine right? I just want to feel good about myself and love who I am.

2.)What do you have to live for? When I get really depressed I think about not wanting to live anymore. It has been happening a lot more. I used to always believe, not matter what, that I had a lot to live for, but lately when I'm feeling down in the dumps I feel that I have nothing to live for. I'm not sure if it's the ED voice or just self-pity. It feels as though the feelings that I feel are so bad and painful that it would be better if I was dead so I wouldn't have to feel them. I know, however, that deep down inside, I have a lot of things to live for. First off I have my mom, who's been there from the beginning. She's always been there for me, no matter what. She's supported me and listened to me and tried to do everything and anything she could to help me. She's been my best friend since seventh grade and I don't know what I'd do without her. There is Ben, who has been my steady rock for the last year. He's everything to me. He's taught me so many things and helped me to see things that I needed to see. I have my future children to live for, something that has always made me happy to think about. I long to have kids and a family of my very own. I want to make my life the best it could ever be and I have to be alive and healthy to make that happen. 

January 15, 2011

 It snowed about 16 inches or so on Wednesday and although I got out for a walk in the morning before it got really bad, I had a really hard time the rest of the day not being able to go outside or even go to the gym.

January 4, 2011

I thought, food wise, today was a lot harder. My friend who is over eats less than I do, so I felt like I was eating all the time and I didn't feel as good about my body as I did yesterday. I must remember that feelings come and go and I don't have to believe them. This too shall pass.

It is of practical value to learn to like yourself. Since you must spend so much time with yourself you might as well get some satisfaction out of the relationship. - Norman Vincent Peale

i feel so hopeless right now...i feel so worthless. i am having a hard time understanding what the point of life is...why the fuck are we here? i can't figure it out...

it's not even ten yet and i already just want this day to be over....for some reason i always have to know what to do and need to have things all figured out with everything, so when i get confused and hopeless about the future i panic and feel overwhelmed because i don't know what is going to happen or what i am going to do with my life. i'm probably making this more confusing than it really needs to be but isn't that what i do with everything...?

i'm not really a fan of constantly being hungry and tired but i have to admit...i love the feeling of being thin..

every stressful thought in my head is a rope, not a snake. everything you love about another person is what you love about yourself, and everything you do not love about them is what you do not love about yourself. (byron katie)

YOU CAN NEVER LOSE LOVE, BUT ONLY THE AWARENESS OF IT.

i got semi depressed this morning because i woke up and just did not feel like going to any of my classes...i didn't feel like doing anything. somehow these feelings turned into sadness about the future and thinking about what my future job will be like, am i going to wake up and not want to go but have to and be miserable? probably. so i decided that i need to find something to do with my life that i will want to wake up and be happy about doing...probably something along the lines of an art studio, jewelry making, or a cupcake/bake shop...i can dream right?

some days i think about my life and the future and get really happy am positive but then other days (like today) i can't see anything good...i look at the future and am scared to death...

was so excited to eat my amy's cheese enchiladas for dinner but good thing i checked the serving size because it said 240 calories in just one enchilada and there are two! i am so pissed. i only was counting the calories in one so now i have to find something else...480 is way too much.